I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
