Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
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After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.