Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I can feel your judgement through the phone