last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!