im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
