I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Panties = found
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