You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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