please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We left an ass print on the piano.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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