Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
