i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
