A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
