hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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