I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
