If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
