Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
