not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
