chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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