Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
even my farts smell like vagina
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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