My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
