I can text with my tongue
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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