I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
