you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
