you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
