wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
