Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
