I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
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Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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