I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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