our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
