Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
