i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
