my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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