So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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