Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
