two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
