oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize