i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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