You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
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I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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