I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
