he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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