I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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