guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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