Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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