I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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