Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
