I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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