Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
