and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
