Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
