He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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