At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
