How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
