So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
