Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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