i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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