Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need a beard to bite.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
