All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
