i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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