Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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