i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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