just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
