Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
